Hey. It’s been a while. 6 years even… You know, sometimes I look back and I really cannot believe that the time has gone by that quickly. I still have a hard time believing that it really happened. I’m even having a hard time just typing this now. It’s like, all this time, I have just wanted to think it was a dream. And there are still times when I go home and walk into the Thomasville Wal-Mart and hope to see your face. Sometimes, I even think I do see you. I know that I really don’t see you, but it’s just so unbelievable to me that you are gone. I hate that I hurt you. I know you know that, and I know you know how deeply sorry I am. That’s why we were able to start over as friends. Once everything died down, we were able to get past the anger we had towards each other and start over, working on becoming the friends that we always should have been. I never did tell you though… I loved you so much. More than you realized. Probably more than you thought I did, after the way we ended things. I loved you so much that I realized I was not what you needed. I was never going to be “that” girl for you, and I came to understand that. I am so sorry that we got lost in our anger for a time. When I look back now, I hate it even more. Had I known that we had such a short time left, I would have done my best to push past it sooner so that we could have really enjoyed our friendship the way we were meant to enjoy it. I hate that you didn’t call me when things got rough. I hate all of it, to be honest with you. I was so ANGRY, 6 years ago. I was just so infuriated that this had happened. I am ashamed to admit it, but I was really angry at God. I just couldn’t understand how He could take you like that. It’s not fair. Not one bit. You were such a good guy. Never intentionally hurting anyone. How God could allow you to be hurt like that and then to take you from us all… I still don’t understand it. It still bothers me. I do realize that God’s plans are higher than my way of thinking, and I know that He had a purpose behind it all. I know that I may never know that purpose. I am steadfast in my faith, and I know that I will see you again someday. But, in my human weakness, I still hurt over it and I still have a hard time comprehending the workings of God in this. I couldn’t talk to mom about it. I still have a hard time talking to her about it. She has lost people in her life, and I’ve even lost others before, but this somehow feels so different. You know how my mom can be sometimes, and I just could NOT stand to hear a sermon after this. I know that she only wants to help, so I don’t get upset with her and I try to take what she has said about it with faith that God is telling me something I need to hear. I have talked my hubby about you since we’ve been together. He is there to lend his shoulder when needed, but even he doesn’t truly understand how I feel about it. I don’t know if anyone understands. That’s what makes it so hard. If you were here, you would understand it. But, if you were here, it wouldn’t be this way. I need for you to know something before I go. You were incredibly important in my life. I didn’t realize it until later, but you taught me a lot about myself. I have not and will never forget you and the kind of person that you were.
“Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face. You told me how proud you were, but I walked away. If only I knew what I know today. I would hold you in my arms. I would take the pain away. Thank you for all you’ve done. Forgive all your mistakes. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do, to hear your voice again. Sometimes I want to call you, but I know you won’t be there. I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do. And I’ve hurt myself by hurting you.”
Sorry I never told you all I wanted to say.